THIS is brilliant!
I’ve come in late, right, but from what I can gather Lee could be the father of some girl’s baby.
And now there is another girl who may or may not also be carrying Lee’s baby Heidi is her name, I think.
Now, Heidi’s mother is after getting involved; she says she has just come on the Jeremy Kyle show to get the truth and Lee was at her place last Wednesday holding a baby or something I don’t know.
Lord God, what is wrong with these people? Do they get paid to come on the show?
I suspect they are the type of people who fall into the “bad neighbours” category.
And another thing: they appear to have suspect personal hygiene.
Oh, now Jeremy is screaming at everyone. Jeremy is not very nice, is he?
It seems no-one has a clue who the father of the baby is but I have a feeling we’re about to find out … wait, oh my God, Lee is not the child’s father.
Jeremy is now encouraging everyone to wear condoms: damn straight Jeremy, damn straight.
Now Paul is on the show.
He was on Jeremy Kyle not so long ago where he found out the shocking news that yes, he is the father of some baby.
Now he is back on the show because the mother is demanding cash – the bitch – to help raise the child.
I don’t necessarily think she is a gold digger because, if she is, she’s terrible at it.
She really did not think this through.
Like, if I were planning on having a baby simply to get cash off a man, I would certainly not choose Paul as the father.
I’d be targeting Bill Gates or, eh, someone along those lines.
Firstly, I suspect her chosen beau is intellectually challenged and – oh this is interesting, and really backs up my initial argument – Paul says he can’t work because of his diabetes. I bloody knew he’d have some excuse, the bastard!
He claims he can only work exclusively on building sites and they won’t hire him because he has to inject his insulin four times a day.
Well that is unfortunate but, woah!
Jeremy says he has “done some research” – I don’t believe he did the research personally by the way; I suspect it was his minions – and in fact, it turns out Paul’s diabetes does not stop him from working.
“That’s what’s wrong with you and your generation – you won’t work, you get money off the government for free.
The government gives you and your lazy mates money to do nothing,” – Jeremy just served Paul, I tell you.
Yes, apologies, I’ve gotten carried away. I am, quite obviously, watching Jeremy Kyle.
I’m ashamed to say I’ve never seen an episode of this programme before. It’s fascinating. Jeremy is like a really mean Jerry Springer.
The reason I’m watching daytime TV is because I’ve had to take holidays to carry out a job which is basically harder than my own.
I’m caring for Mr T whilst his mother, my sister, is on an actual holiday in Portugal.
I’ve obviously gotten the bum deal in this equation but I shall get revenge sometime, somewhere.
As we speak, I’m nursing a bruised baby finger after he practically sliced it off with his one bottom tooth when I was trying to administer a teething gel.
We’ve had a hectic morning: we’ve watched Hi-5 and Noddy (sinister, a very sinister programme) but first we read a book and threw some organic porridge around the kitchen.
Currently, he is asleep in a pillow fort which I deftly constructed in the living room. It is extremely impressive.
I’ve missed my calling as a builder or something.
Who knows what I’ll be able to create when I’m unleashed on the Lego.
The reason he is asleep in the pillow fort is because he refuses to sleep in his cot, which is ridiculous because it has a mattress and I’d imagine is far more comfortable. But who am I to judge?
I suspect I’m being taken for a ride by a seven-month-old but to be perfectly honest, I don’t care … because he is asleep.
I would take this opportunity to change out of my pj’s but er, they are talking about drunk black birds on The Morning Show with Sybill and Martin.